Hey! Look! It's a personal, non-political post from Andy!
Yeah, so it's been a busy week, alright? I kinda needed to decomress/de-stress after the D stuff finally stopped. Plus, I had four class periods left in my three week class. The whole thing went by pretty quickly for me, consumed, as I was, by so much turmoil in my personal life. I'm just lucky the coursework wasn't too involved. I still have a paper to bang out before Friday, but everything else is done.
So I was at the Bird last night with Anne and I must've drank five Coronas. In 2 hours. On an empty stomach. I expect I was a little rowdy. I don't remember Anne getting in much in the way of conversation. :) That many beers and I'm usually, "Shut up! I'm not done making my point yet!" :) And the place was packed, BTW. Standing room only! WTF?! I saw Chris Hatfield and learned that he had graduated and moved away (The Bird may just go out of business!). My reaction was, of course, all about me. "When will it be MY turn to graduate and move away?!" Answer: this time next year.
And, fuck me, but I cannot wait. I have decided, after my last dating disaster, to take a break from that arena for a while. Maybe for the next year or more. It makes good sense, with all I have to get accomplished in the next 14 months. But I also find myself a bit...gun shy. Whereas before I was, retaining the firearms metaphor, trigger happy. :) It's a natural reaction when someone has been careless with your heart. And I'm starting to believe what D said to me, in parting, about our "relationship" (i.e. that I was the only one who thought we might actually be having one, that she was simply fucking me, and that I was a fool to think it was any more than that). I mean, I still wonder why she talked about possible future scenarios, babies, etc, but I suppose she was just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. But then the high point of last night at the Bird was running into a former classmate, let's call him B, who had slept with D prior to our...well, whatever it was. So I guess I was right not to trust her, AND to have been jealous of him, because he detailed two subsequent sexual encounters that happened while she and I were doing, again, whatever it was that we were doing. Had I found this out a few weeks ago, I would've been quite hurt. But last night I was laughing. B was all apologetic, which goes to show that he's a decent person. But I told him it wasn't his responsibility and, more importantly, if she didn't think she was in anything exclusive, then I guess she wasn't. The funny thing is, I knew what kind of person she was, and if she had simply been straight with me, things would've been fine. We could've been fuck buddies, or whatever she wanted to call it, pure and simple. I would've been fine with that, as we were so plainly not meant to be in a real relationship. I don't get it. All the drama and hurt feelings could've been avoided with a little honest communication.
But, aye, that's the rub, innit?
Anyway, getting back to my point, when someone is careless with your heart, your reaction is then to protect it from further damage. And right now I find myself mistrustful of, wary of, and somewhat closed-off to, other people. Whereas my dalliance with J this winter found me quite effusive about the possibilities of love, I now find myself imagining, quite contentedly, an extended, perhaps even lifelong bachelorhood. When someone hurts you, yet again, it feels like the only people you can possibly trust in this world are the people you create out of your own egg or sperm (and that's only if you treat them right for, oh, 22+ years). Parents come in a distant second. I mean, mine are a mixed bag. My father never much cared for kids, so I barely knew him until I became an adult. But it turns out he's a great guy, always supportive and kind. My mother, on the other hand, was a witch. So, all things considered, maybe it's best that I just let both family lines die with me. Best not to perpetuate all the bad traits that I undoubtedly have swimming around in my balls. My dad seems plenty content with all the grandchildren my step-sibs keep giving him, so maybe I'm off the hook on that one.
I seriously don't want to think/feel this way, but I am fine with being alone in life. I happen to be my favorite thing in the whole wide world, and if I cannot lavish attention and affection and goodies on someone I love, and maybe a scion or two, I will be quite happy and content to lavish all that attention, affection, and, most fun, goodies on my own damn self. And, I mean, I can purchase the time of beautiful women who don't give a damn about me, who will pretend to like me, so why bother ever going through what I've just gone through again?
That, in a nutshell, is where my head is at. And it saddens me. I can totally remember, back in February, preaching from the mount, or, rather, a stool at Mountain Town, to Allan about...I dunno, how great love is. I really don't remember the sentiment or the content now. And that saddens me. I can't remember it because I sure as shit ain't feeling it.
Somewhere, D is smiling.
Okay, enough of that. Here is...some random shit:
You might want to check out Republican Survivor. But can we vote 'em off the fucking planet, please? Thank you!
Quote of the week:
"Republicans, whose goal in life is to profit from disaster. . . don't give a hoot about human beings . . . Which is why I personally think they should be exterminated before they cause any more harm. " - Michael Feingold (in the Village Voice)
Hey! I have been saying that for the past year! Ahead of my time, I am. :) Talk like a cockney flower girl, I do.
Or is it Yoda?
Okay, stick a fucking fork in me. I'm done. Enjoy the rest of your fucking weekend. :)
AP
Composed while listening to:
Ryan Adams - Rock N Roll
Boards of Canada - Music Has the Right to Children
So I was at the Bird last night with Anne and I must've drank five Coronas. In 2 hours. On an empty stomach. I expect I was a little rowdy. I don't remember Anne getting in much in the way of conversation. :) That many beers and I'm usually, "Shut up! I'm not done making my point yet!" :) And the place was packed, BTW. Standing room only! WTF?! I saw Chris Hatfield and learned that he had graduated and moved away (The Bird may just go out of business!). My reaction was, of course, all about me. "When will it be MY turn to graduate and move away?!" Answer: this time next year.
And, fuck me, but I cannot wait. I have decided, after my last dating disaster, to take a break from that arena for a while. Maybe for the next year or more. It makes good sense, with all I have to get accomplished in the next 14 months. But I also find myself a bit...gun shy. Whereas before I was, retaining the firearms metaphor, trigger happy. :) It's a natural reaction when someone has been careless with your heart. And I'm starting to believe what D said to me, in parting, about our "relationship" (i.e. that I was the only one who thought we might actually be having one, that she was simply fucking me, and that I was a fool to think it was any more than that). I mean, I still wonder why she talked about possible future scenarios, babies, etc, but I suppose she was just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. But then the high point of last night at the Bird was running into a former classmate, let's call him B, who had slept with D prior to our...well, whatever it was. So I guess I was right not to trust her, AND to have been jealous of him, because he detailed two subsequent sexual encounters that happened while she and I were doing, again, whatever it was that we were doing. Had I found this out a few weeks ago, I would've been quite hurt. But last night I was laughing. B was all apologetic, which goes to show that he's a decent person. But I told him it wasn't his responsibility and, more importantly, if she didn't think she was in anything exclusive, then I guess she wasn't. The funny thing is, I knew what kind of person she was, and if she had simply been straight with me, things would've been fine. We could've been fuck buddies, or whatever she wanted to call it, pure and simple. I would've been fine with that, as we were so plainly not meant to be in a real relationship. I don't get it. All the drama and hurt feelings could've been avoided with a little honest communication.
But, aye, that's the rub, innit?
Anyway, getting back to my point, when someone is careless with your heart, your reaction is then to protect it from further damage. And right now I find myself mistrustful of, wary of, and somewhat closed-off to, other people. Whereas my dalliance with J this winter found me quite effusive about the possibilities of love, I now find myself imagining, quite contentedly, an extended, perhaps even lifelong bachelorhood. When someone hurts you, yet again, it feels like the only people you can possibly trust in this world are the people you create out of your own egg or sperm (and that's only if you treat them right for, oh, 22+ years). Parents come in a distant second. I mean, mine are a mixed bag. My father never much cared for kids, so I barely knew him until I became an adult. But it turns out he's a great guy, always supportive and kind. My mother, on the other hand, was a witch. So, all things considered, maybe it's best that I just let both family lines die with me. Best not to perpetuate all the bad traits that I undoubtedly have swimming around in my balls. My dad seems plenty content with all the grandchildren my step-sibs keep giving him, so maybe I'm off the hook on that one.
I seriously don't want to think/feel this way, but I am fine with being alone in life. I happen to be my favorite thing in the whole wide world, and if I cannot lavish attention and affection and goodies on someone I love, and maybe a scion or two, I will be quite happy and content to lavish all that attention, affection, and, most fun, goodies on my own damn self. And, I mean, I can purchase the time of beautiful women who don't give a damn about me, who will pretend to like me, so why bother ever going through what I've just gone through again?
That, in a nutshell, is where my head is at. And it saddens me. I can totally remember, back in February, preaching from the mount, or, rather, a stool at Mountain Town, to Allan about...I dunno, how great love is. I really don't remember the sentiment or the content now. And that saddens me. I can't remember it because I sure as shit ain't feeling it.
Somewhere, D is smiling.
Okay, enough of that. Here is...some random shit:
You might want to check out Republican Survivor. But can we vote 'em off the fucking planet, please? Thank you!
Quote of the week:
"Republicans, whose goal in life is to profit from disaster. . . don't give a hoot about human beings . . . Which is why I personally think they should be exterminated before they cause any more harm. " - Michael Feingold (in the Village Voice)
Hey! I have been saying that for the past year! Ahead of my time, I am. :) Talk like a cockney flower girl, I do.
Or is it Yoda?
Okay, stick a fucking fork in me. I'm done. Enjoy the rest of your fucking weekend. :)
AP
Composed while listening to:
Ryan Adams - Rock N Roll
Boards of Canada - Music Has the Right to Children
