Memories
So today something happened that made me feel really good. Last night I wrote someone with whom I'd had a pretty tremendous falling out. See, once I came out the other end of being all bitter and hurt, I found that I didn't like having her as an enemy. So I opened the door, you know, if she wanted to talk. And I guess she did. She wrote me a really nice, sincere email that just washed all the bad feelings away for me. And then over a few more emails, we came to a good place. Which makes me happy. Happy for me and happy for her.
And then late tonight, perhaps not coincidentally, I found myself going through old email and IMs from Danna. I used to save all that stuff. And some of the stuff I found...wow. I mean, the way Danna and I used to talk to each other, it was...heavy. It was all about melting into one another and radiating light when thinking of each other (when it wasn't smoking hot sex talk). Four years later, and I can still feel how deep the love was, just from re-reading our own words to each other.
And then, after I lost her, I wrote to a friend:
"After all I went through, I feel as if I've been reborn, like that was all some other person's life, you know. At this distance, I look back on us and just think that I was really lucky to have had someone in my life who was so hard to say goodbye to. I experienced something that was pretty amazing. I found a person who showed me what love could truly be. The real deal. And a whole lot of people never get that. Or else they settle before they ever find it. So now, if I find it again, I'll know it when I see it. I have my benchmark."
Wow. I haven't ever looked at this stuff before. The thought of doing so was always too painful to comprehend. But somehow, through the suppression of all thoughts and feelings of my past, pre-2001 life, I lost touch with what it really felt like to truly be in love. I mean, I didn't date at all for nearly three years! I forgot how it felt! And so now, just this year, I've been relearning the basics. And doing a pretty lousy job of it too, if my track record is any indication. :)
But D wrote something today about how I was wearing my heart on my sleeve right from my first date with her, and I inferred her meaning to be that maybe that wasn't/isn't such a wise move. But I don't think I would, or could, do it any other way. When I look back on the way Danna and I used to talk to each other, it was so open, so fearless, and so free, that I am convinced that only through such heart-on-sleeve-ness can true love truly happen. So I wouldn't change a thing. I might never find someone like Danna again. I might never FEEL that way again. But after reading all this stuff tonight, or as much of it as I could stand, I feel like that might be okay too. I had something once, something so blissfully perfect, something that, like I said in that email three years ago, some people never get their entire lives.
Anyway, the events of the day seem to have burned off any remaining bitterness or cynicism that I had on the subject of love and relationships. Which is good. It was a good day. I think I'll go to bed. Have a terrific weekend.
And then late tonight, perhaps not coincidentally, I found myself going through old email and IMs from Danna. I used to save all that stuff. And some of the stuff I found...wow. I mean, the way Danna and I used to talk to each other, it was...heavy. It was all about melting into one another and radiating light when thinking of each other (when it wasn't smoking hot sex talk). Four years later, and I can still feel how deep the love was, just from re-reading our own words to each other.
And then, after I lost her, I wrote to a friend:
"After all I went through, I feel as if I've been reborn, like that was all some other person's life, you know. At this distance, I look back on us and just think that I was really lucky to have had someone in my life who was so hard to say goodbye to. I experienced something that was pretty amazing. I found a person who showed me what love could truly be. The real deal. And a whole lot of people never get that. Or else they settle before they ever find it. So now, if I find it again, I'll know it when I see it. I have my benchmark."
Wow. I haven't ever looked at this stuff before. The thought of doing so was always too painful to comprehend. But somehow, through the suppression of all thoughts and feelings of my past, pre-2001 life, I lost touch with what it really felt like to truly be in love. I mean, I didn't date at all for nearly three years! I forgot how it felt! And so now, just this year, I've been relearning the basics. And doing a pretty lousy job of it too, if my track record is any indication. :)
But D wrote something today about how I was wearing my heart on my sleeve right from my first date with her, and I inferred her meaning to be that maybe that wasn't/isn't such a wise move. But I don't think I would, or could, do it any other way. When I look back on the way Danna and I used to talk to each other, it was so open, so fearless, and so free, that I am convinced that only through such heart-on-sleeve-ness can true love truly happen. So I wouldn't change a thing. I might never find someone like Danna again. I might never FEEL that way again. But after reading all this stuff tonight, or as much of it as I could stand, I feel like that might be okay too. I had something once, something so blissfully perfect, something that, like I said in that email three years ago, some people never get their entire lives.
Anyway, the events of the day seem to have burned off any remaining bitterness or cynicism that I had on the subject of love and relationships. Which is good. It was a good day. I think I'll go to bed. Have a terrific weekend.
posted by Price at 8:58 PM
4 Comments:
Hopefully this doesn't duplicate - just tried to comment and it didn't seem to take. What I said was:
Andy, I am so glad to read this! YAY for hearts on sleeves! My recent and current experience is a shining example.
Anne, who has turned into a big mushy ball of sap
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Yeah, I actually thought of you and Karl when I was reading this stuff. I was like, "Oh yeah. This is what Anne was talking about. Now I remember." :)
BTW, the deleted post was from me. I accidentally posted as anonymous. I know how intriguing those deleted posts can be, so I wanted to disabuse anyone of the notion that anything interesting got deleted. ;)
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