Freudian, Oedipal bullshit

Recent events in my life have made me see some things about myself, have brought me some epiphanies. And they’re not pretty. You see, I’ve often heard that men want women like their mothers (and vice versa). I never really gave the concept much credence, but suddenly I see it in my own relationships with women, both past and present. And it’s quite a disappointment, to put it mildly. Though it certainly explains a lot. I’ve always had a thing for broken women. And who is the classic broken woman in my life? You guessed it. My mother was fiercely intelligent, but also pessimistic, negative, critical, temperamental, and mean. So show me a woman with those qualities and I am hers for the bilking. It’s so clear now, my attraction to all these broken, damaged women. I couldn’t please Mommy, so naturally I gravitate towards women in my relationships that I will also be unable to please. It’s sick. And it has me in a mind to give up. Knowing one’s limitations is half the battle in life. Go with your strengths, right? I can either have a lifetime of unhappiness, striving to fix my mother by trying to fix all these women who are just going to do me wrong anyway, or I can opt out of that one small area of human relationships, and, instead focus my energies on being the best teacher I can be, helping kids, and having fun doing it. And in my spare time I can focus on making myself happy. THAT is a project in which I KNOW I can succeed. This Freudian, Oedipal bullshit, I cannot fix. I need to stop, while I’m still young(-ish).

I’m crying as I type this, which I haven’t done in...I don’t know how long. It’s not a happy realization. But once I get over it, I’ll be the better for having had it.

Subject change: I guess the forecast changed overnight, huh? It’s a beautiful day.